Let go

Believe in fairy-tales but don’t forget the reality. what might have been a forever in your life, might actually be nothing but a unreal-dream. Believe that, you deserve to be happy, you deserve to be loved. And give a chance until you let go. And once you do, you learn to forgive and forget!

For all the broken hearts – Its okay, to fall out of love. Its okay to get hurt. Its okay to walk away. and its really okay to lose yourself. And its also okay to let go. let go the pain, and let the time heal you heart.

Let Go..

It was the sunny evening of rainy season. ‘Just like the old times..’ she thought warily as she stepped out of her house. It had been just 4 hours since she landed in Mangalore, but the feeling was just the same. A kind of mixed feeling, a kind of confusion in deciding what her mind exactly was implying, a kind of mist covered heart, all made her overwhelmed. She felt her heart swell as she noticed some school girls walking hand-in-hand in their school uniforms, memories never failed to elate her moods. She always thought, Good memories or bad ones, they somewhere act as catalyst to your changing moods. It was true in every sense. For moment, her confused brains where euphoric as she recalled her younger self walking just like those little girls few years ago. Those were the days when she wished to become an adult, how she regretted it today!

“I will be back soon Ma..” she called behind her as her legs involuntarily took her to the familiar neighborhood. It had been 5 years since she was here, yet she felt nothing was changed. If anything, it’s the roads and some extravagant houses took her attention, Changes do occur, nothing is constant. She was extremely skeptically today, and she knew why. This place had so many memories, and she felt every lane that she passed by taunted her. She shut her eyes close, blocking a familiar figure appear again in the back of her mind. How she wished to forget him.

Before she knew, she had reached the sea-shore. She stood at a distance watching the waves hit the shore, her legs numb, her fingers frozen, she was never dumbfounded than she was now! She didn’t know how she had reached there in first place, all she did was walk in the familiar lanes, talk to her old neighbors, met kaka from old tea-shop and next thing she knew, she was here near the sea. This was the place where she bundled all her memories, tied them securely and then threw them to ocean with the force praying that she never finds them back.

But standing there, after all these years made her heart beat erratically. Memories never seize to stun her. Hypnotized by her own feelings, she walked towards the tides with daze. As the water touched her feet, she sank deeper into her thoughts, the thoughts that led to him.

First love, can never be forgotten; they say. To her, first love was everything. She was just 16 when she first met him. At the tender age, where she thought she wasn’t mature enough to fall in love, he mad managed knock the doors of her heart. Being an ardent fan of fairytales, being a silly nerd for romantic movies, she had imagined all the stories to be connected to them. She wished him to be her prince charming; he was good, loving, caring and romantic for all she knew. She was 17, when he proposed her. She knew it was coming, she knew feelings where mutual, but there was something that didn’t let her dive into it fully.

No matter how many times she tried to run-away, she was there at the end of the day. Talking to him, meeting him, chatting with him, and then finally confessing to him a year later! She was amateur and quirky romantic, she was childish and impatient. He was responsible and cheerful; he was busy and hard-working. Not able to have enough of him, she let myriad of emotions take toll of her. They fought, they made up, they loved and they continued to be with each other. Yet something that always broke her heart was, she felt she wasn’t in his top priority. She felt, he never cared for her feelings, she felt she was the last person to whom he would take time to. That hurt her which dodged her love for him into charade of broken dreams. She wanted to run-away from him. he was holding all ties, he never wanted to leave any of them. But she was the one who was letting the end of ties loose. She never realized it, until the day came.

She was 22, she had just found a well-settling job and had dared to speak about him at home. Everything went better than she had assumed. All her mom requested her was to bring him home. He too obliged, and for once she thought things were going to change. It wasn’t until he didn’t show up the whole day, it wasn’t until she couldn’t reach him, it wasn’t until she stood on the door-way of her house waiting for him to show up anytime. It wasn’t until her mom told her, he wasn’t going to come. It wasn’t until she realized he wasn’t in town and had gone somewhere with his family.

Everything came crashing down to her like broken glasses. When he tried to contact her day after, her mind had congealed; her heart had shut doors to him. It wasn’t like she didn’t understand him; she couldn’t help but realize her fears where true, she was indeed the last person in his list to whom he would take time to. No matter how many times he had done this, no matter how many silly tears she had shed over this, she had forgiven him in past, but that day she just couldn’t. that’s when she finally let loose all the ties that held them together.

She wanted to see him after her mind had relaxed, she just didn’t know how to react. 10 days later when she received his text, she was all excited. She wasn’t expecting anything for the first time. She wasn’t even thinking how their relationship was going, she wasn’t even wondering about the future. All she wanted was to see him. But that never happened.

As the lone tear danced on her eyes she recalled his last message. “I have tried everything to hold you. I have done everything I could to not let you go. And yesterday you didn’t show up. Was it revenge or anything else I don’t know. Today I finally realized I was holding on to the end of ties that you had already let loose. It would be stupid of me if I continue to hold it when you aren’t there at the other end. I am finally letting you go.. I have always wished, and will always wish you to have a great life.”

She still remembered the message he had left on her phone. Only if she could tell him! There was barrier; there was a wall that was already built. She couldn’t surpass, neither did he. All she wished was for him to see tears that kept haunting her eyes. But he never saw them. Her fears were all true. She was the last person, in his priority.

Few days later before she was leaving this place for good, she had to this same shore. The same beach where she had first saw him! she cried until tears dried on her eyes, her throat sore and her face red with long screams. Even today her body shuddered recalling that day. He had never tried to contact her since. All she wished was, just like he was everything to her, she would be everything to him!

She didn’t know how long she stood there staring at the deep sea. It was much later she felt the tides had started rising up till her knees and the sun was setting. It was just like the old-times. 11 years ago, during a sunny day of rainy season, at the beach, just when the sun was setting she had seen a boy who stood between the sun and her. His tall and lean body that stared back at the sun was something that captured her attention.

Ironically she found the same situation rise again. Just when she was about to leave there was someone. Someone standing at the exactly the same place blocking her view of sun-set! It wasn’t until he turned around with a smile, that she realized, the someone was the same person. “Akash..” her mind screamed.

He walked closer to her; holding onto her before she fainted. His eyes were hypnotizing like always, he hadn’t changed a bit unless the few wrinkles that adorned his face and his biceps that was a bit increased. He was more handsome than ever.

“you came..” he breathed finally letting her stand on her feet. Her throat was dry and mind blank. She mumbled something that was inaudible to her ownself.

When she glanced at him, she sworn he felt like killing her. “you left without a word, without a reply! You didn’t even come on ‘that’ day. Was that really revenge? Was this the way you planned to end it?”

His words taunted her and she felt her heart squirm. She had hidden the truth inside her heart for 5 years now, she couldn’t hold it any longer..

“My dad expired that day due to sudden heart-attack” was all she said. He stood rooted to the floor. She knew he hadn’t tried to find answers, this made her heart break again. Why had he come now?

Before she would go, he held her close and hugged her with all his might.

When she heard, he never moved on, instead he waited for her to return she didn’t know how to react. He told her, he had seen her the night before she left, sitting and crying in the same place. But his anger had eluded his love and he sat a distance staring at her. He wanted to come and wipe her tears but he didn’t have courage. He was too hurt to even see her broken heart.

She didn’t know what to do or say. she continued to stare at him for few minutes until she sighed. She backed away from his embrace and smiled at him.

She just couldn’t go back to him. He might have been her first love, her everything. But he had given more than one reasons to break her trust. At last it was all about trust and she couldn’t trust him all of sudden! Especially knowing that he was there, standing behind her in the same beach before she left for good. She never saw her ego when it came to him. Possessive or not; attention-carving or not; All she wanted was his care and love, a kind of promise that she means something to him! Which, she never got. He may not have moved on; neither has she! But the gap was built.

The ties that held them was crumpled, it isn’t easy to hold it back again. Atleast, not to her! As she walked away she knew, If its meant to be, it will find its way.

Life was short, but this closure had made her realize something, she deserved to be loved, so does everyone. She wouldn’t compromise her life after having achieved so much. If only he tried a least bit from his side, he could have her all he wanted. But he didn’t and she has stopped trying from her side now.

Sometimes, even though we understand the things, its hard to overcome the facts. Sometimes, even though we know its not right, its hard to do what is right..

Sometimes all it takes is time. Until then, you have to let go.


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