A/N : Haven’t proofread or checked for grammar/spelling mistakes. Writing this was nightmare, reading it again, i don’t have strength. Please bare with me and read it inspite of errors.
Excerpts From My Diary…
October 13, 2015
Just 43 days back i came back home (Mangalore) from Bangalore. After completing my final year exams in June, i was left worried, frustrated and begging every minute to god to get me a job. He did, in mid july. I gave an interview and landed a job that wasn’t for what i had studied engineering. It was tech support (BPO/call center which involves more of technical than just talking) , but Hey! lot of my friends have already found the job interesting and the rest are working towards shifting their base in the same company (yes! Thats possible if you are good at your work and can clear certain tests, you can change your designation and shift to core jobs in the same companies. Each company has its own set of rules though! ) So when i landed this job, i was in cloud 9. HAPPY!!! Yes!
And then, i waited! Just to get a call.. it took them more than a month after sending me unwanted emails and making me send me documents again and again giving me false hopes and not letting me take up any courses (like the one i just joined! JAVA course ), finally they sent a offer letter. I was HAPPY! 26th of august, it was dated as my appointment. I didn’t really have the contact of my HR except his email id, which ofcourse he never replies. Apart from this there was this lady who called herself as another HR, kept track of all my progress.
Anyway, by 20th, i was in Bangalore, in a PG; i had taken the PG on 1st week of august when i had lost hopes from hearing anything from the company! anyway, everything was ready, until i called her up to infrom i was in Bangalore all set!
She gave me a shock. My name wasn’t registered for the upcoming as my background check wasn’t completed, she asked me to wait. She didn’t tell me how long.
In the meantime, i was all alone in my PG. my roommate would come late. But that feeling was awful. I was scared, homesick and had nothing to do. FB didn’t seem intererting, music wasn’t appealing, TV i couldn’t operate. I spent hours locked inside the PG crying. That’s where it started. – My FEAR.
Coming to Bangalore was a dream. My roommate turned out to be rude and lonely person probably. Perhaps she didn’t like company. She was pissed from work i assumed as she gave me murderous looks and didn’t utter a word the whole night.
I was shattered, broken, confused and lost. and scared.
Next day, i took up the challenge and went on a job hunt. I landed another tech support job. But i had to go to another town for two weeks training, give out exams, come back to bangalore, probably change my PG too and so on. The excitement of new job died the moment my uncle, mom started brainwashing me not to take up the offer. well, they were right too. Company’s reputation for the particular job and rules didn’t have that good impression. I declined it.
Every time my roommate went to work, i was alone in room, i was scared, lonely, confused. too many emotions. I couldn’t handle it.
Then i decided to join with my friend for similar course (java) that she had taken up. But for that, i had to change my PG! It was too for to commute. two days later, i found a PG, Mom came to bangalore, got me settled in new PG and left.
Once again, i was alone. This time, no internet. My roommates wouldnt come before 10pm and they were to vacate the PG next day. I was scared. I shivered. I cried for hours.
Ever since i landed in Bangalore, i hadn’t had a proper sleep or a dream that didn’t scare the shit out of me. I am always half awake. I always wake up suddenly fearing am alone in dark. This wasn’t good. I realized, My fears weren’t just homesickness.
The new PG was nothing short of a graveyard for me. It was TERRIBLE! HORRIBLE! SCARY!
i know, it was just a normal pg, in a calm locality of Bangalore. But something in me wasn’t normal or calm anymore.
I had to leave. Early morning, my mom was still in bus going back home, i called her up.
I told her I am coming back.
After some begging, crying and lots of convincing, she agreed. I had to speak with those trainers and decided to quit the course. Just when i decided to come back home for atleast 15 days, then go back to Bangalore, take up the course, i got a call from the company. I had to report the next day and sept 2nd would be my joining date. I didn’t know what that feeling was.
happy? sad? confused? helplessness?
The thought of going back to PG frightened me to no bounds! I decided to stay in my uncles house instead. Taking my documents and other necessities i made a flee from the PG. Trust me, i just spent hardly an hour and i was sweating! I literally ran away.
Somehow, i did sleep that night. If not peaceful, i did sleep. Even if i woke up several times, i did sleep.
Next day while going to submit my documents, i was having a war in my head. My mind was camouflaged. Whatever voice it was, it kept giving me mixed signals. I was too worried.
I sat in the AC room full of hardly 30 members waiting for the turn to submit the documents. 5 mins into the room i was sweating. I was scared. Now i could hear the voice clearly. ALl i wanted was to go back home, sleep in my bed, hide behind my blanket and achieve something worth, not this job. Not today. I am not ready.
I wished, it would be just homesickness. But it wasn’t. I was lost. Traumatized.
I begged my mom, my uncle.. that i would come back. Mom was depressed disappointed and hurted by my choice. she didn’t want to understand my problem so i told her i didn’t want a tech support job instead. I told her i am scared of night duties its not for me. she believed me. She is a staff nurse. she knew my fear, she still chose to believe me.
three days later, September 1st i am back home. Rejected all the offers, course, everything.
I slept like a baby that night. Didn’t wake up midnight. Didn’t sweat. No Fear. But i was broken, to all the pieces. every inch of my body.
The next days were full of me sleeping in the bed, browsing job vacancies, eating and repeat. Mom was upset. I had made a great loss by going to bangalore, wasting money for two Pgs which i didn’t even stay for more than one week!!! She is still waiting for the owner to return the deposite.
I promised her i would do something…
She is upset, i don’t do house work. She works at home and in hospital, dad does nothing, he never did, never was father, just a man in the house! and i give my mom lot of trouble. I know that. But i chose to ignore it.
Few days later, i alone at home, during the day time. I have 3 dogs at home. All of them my dearest pals. I was scared.
This month, mom is on night duty. Dad goes out for an hour or so at late evening. I am scared when am alone. Everything scares me. I can’t take it anymore!
The other day dad reached home at 9 30pm, I felt i would die. I was that scared.
I want to face my fears, but the more i face, the weaker i become. In the mean while. two of my dogs went on a fight, they can’t stay without trying to kill each other. Dad’s always irresponsible. No matter how much i keep the dogs away, he just makes them slip away. Two dogs have been at each other’s throat for nearly 4 times now after keeping them apart. ALl because of Dad. Because Mom’s is not home at night. Once or twice its an accident, rest of times, if its not purpously then its because of complete carelessness and irresponsibility. Thats my father. ( I am sorry, my father do have some issues. and trust me, he never behaved like father. Its not me ill-speaking about him. everyone who knows him, me, knows that! anyway, thats the problem for some other day or may be never)
Today, i have no hopes in god.
I have registered for a course in Java, they promised to get a job.
My childhood friend said she could join me if the company she applied for didn’t select her (her results are not yet out)
And important of all, I started Blogging!
I have two fanfictions to update, two stories in wattpad, blog updates, TOI write india ( i want to participate) and NaNoWriMo.
Just few days backi had nothing to do and today i am breaking my head how to divide time between these!!!
You may ask what are you afraid of? I have no answer. I don’t know what it is, i Dont know why. All i knows, its there, the fear in my mind , heart and every cell.
You may say, why not a psychiatrist?
I have been there months ago, for different reason ofcourse ( will share that too, some other day!)
Going back there, would do nothing for me. I would only increase their fees and get tablets that won’t let me think straight or walk straight. These days, all they care is money. They don’t provide good medicines. They want improve Pharma business. A patient’s turmoil, they would never know.
Today i am scared of cockroaches, i wasn’t before.
I was scared of snakes, today i am terrified of them.
I love my dogs, today am scared that they might kill each other.
Today am scared of night and day, It didn’t matter before.
Am scared of future, i lived for present before.
Am scared of theives, killers, hunters, terrorists, i never was paranoid about those like am today.
After hearing me out, don’t be afraid of me. Please? These are my inner demons, some of those unpredictable times. Otherwise, if i get attached to you, you would know i wil be there forever, always supportive, caring and encouraging!
May be i should visit a therapist knowing exactly what would it lead to! couple of meds, couple of exercises, Thats it!
May be its not necessary. May be i can cope up with this. May be its not.
I want wait. Wait for three months until my course gets over. It isn’t even started yet! hmph!
Today, am too scared of myself.
–From my diary,